


Palace Game Night

by TheLastCure



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: NSFW, Why Did I Write This?, not safe for life, trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:34:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLastCure/pseuds/TheLastCure
Summary: What do the courtiers get up to while everyone is away?





	1. Twister

  1. Twister



                Strange things tend to happen at the palace, this however takes the cake. Valerius took another sip of wine before spinning the needle. “Vulgora, right hand yellow,” he said in an unamused voice. Vulgora thrusted his hand past Valdemar, who moved ever so slightly at the shove, and right in front of Volta’s face.  Volta drooled slightly at the arm before snapping out of her trance as her name was called, “Volta left hand blue.”

                Another bottle of wine was opened as Vlastomil shrieks, “We agreed no medical apparatuses on the game mat!” The man was more worm then human at this point with how he has contorted to get away from the scalpel Valdemar had somehow produced.

                “You were in my way I was simply going to cut a path through, surely you could survive that?” The face mask did nothing to conceal the grin on the doctor’s face. They did however relinquish the scalpel to Valerius’ outstretched hand for the sake of continuing the game.

A few more rounds went by in relative peace before a shout echoed through the room, “Who bit me!” Vulgora stood up quickly, knocking Valdemar into Valerius, to glare down at Volta who slowly released their leg from her mouth. She looked up with the best puppy eyes her mismatched eyes could manage but seeing the pure rage on Vulgora’s face she decided to run and search for food elsewhere.

Meanwhile the vein on Valerius’ temple seemed ready to explode, not only had he spilt his wine but there was another problem at hand. He hissed in a breath through his teeth before growling, “Quaestor would you kindly remove you hand from my ass.”

Valdemar ignored the request in favor of giving the Consul’s posterior a squeeze, “from up close I can see why our dear count had such a fondness for your company. Such things are a waste of time for me but I have to admit it is a nice derriere.” Valerius took another deep breath before shattering the wine glass in his hand.

Vlastomil looks over at the two, now being the last one on the mat and still twisted into an unholy shape, “Does this mean I win?”


	2. King's Game

Kings Game

                The courtiers looked over at Asra as he took a seat beside them pouring himself a drink. Game night rarely had visitors but he had apparently overheard about it from one of the staff and decided to join. Apparently he had also attempted to get Julian on board but he declined the moment he found of Valdemar was participating. Though even some the other courtiers were less than thrilled by their presence, Valerius still felt somewhat violated by twister night.

                Tonight was King’s Game, a weird game Vulgora had run across on some military campaign. It involved everyone drawing sticks assigning them either a number or the crown, the crown being able to give commands to the numbers for one turn. Valerius made another stick for the new player before holding them in his hand letting the others draw.

                A shout erupted for Vulgora who waved the crown stick in the air, “Victory is mine! I order that number three must eat one mystery box” He snapped his fingers summoning a servant with plate of mystery boxes filled with who knows what. Volta jumps up and down excitedly.

                “Oh yes I am number three, I will gladly eat as many things as you want, yes I will,” Volta grabs the nearest box consuming it box and all. The others double checked their sticks not quite believing that Volta had managed to be so lucky. In a flash all the boxes were gone and Vulgora looked slightly disappointed nothing else had come of his turn.

                The next draw landed Valdemar with the crown stick causing Valerius to down his current glass of wine and poor another. “I believe I shall have number 4 strip. Most of you hear where such heavy clothing I can’t get a proper look at you anatomy!” A sigh of relief escaped from Valerius and Asra, the relief vanished when it was Vlastomil who stood up shrugging off his robe without a care. He sat back down having gone commando today while Valerius in a rare show of kindness offered the wine bottle over to Asra.

                Next was Volta, who simply had Valerius make her the biggest sandwich they had ever seen. Of course during the run to the kitchen Valerius also told the staff to just go ahead and bring up a crate of wine. He was still sober enough to remember this knight in the morning and that needed to change. Upon returning command had changed to Asra, who quickly got a mischievous smirk. “I order number two to sit in number four’s lap.”

                Vlastomil raised up the number four stick causing Asra’s smirk to grow into a full blown grin. It went dead quiet for a bit till everyone started noticing the look on Vulgora’s face, could that actually be fear? Vulgora let out a shriek, “I demand a redraw of the sticks!”

                Valerius looked over Vulgora, “This game was your pick, you were quite clear the king’s orders are absolute.” Asra nodded proudly positively tickled at the luck he had. Vulgora stood up and marched over to Vlastomil growling treats under their breath.

                A few more rounds took their course, everyone excluding Valdemar getting fairly intoxicated. Vlastomil held the crown much to the displeasure of the person seated at the very edge of his lap, they wanted it do force someone to trade positions with him. “I want number one to kiss, oh who should I pick, number five!” He giddily clapped his hands, this game was positively delightful. Valdemar pulled down his mask showing the number five stick as Asra took a sip of wine holding up the number one stick. Asra semi-crawled over the table to reach Valdemar, grabbing the back of his neck and kissing them firmly on the lips.

                Volta let out a soft gasp while Vulgora and Vlastomil whistled and laughed. Valerius just opened another bottle of wine placing it at Asra’s seat before grabbing another one for himself, wine glasses long forsaken for the bottle. As the two finally separated the sound of someone clearing their throat echoed throughout the room. Everyone looked over to see Nadia looking oh so slightly disgusted in the doorway, “While I have no control over what you do in your free time, I must insist you find someplace other than my palace to do so. Immediately.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were scarred by this fic, blame the dice I rolled to decide who was what number. Also fill free to suggest games for future Palace Game Nights!


	3. Never Have I Ever

                After last week’s incident the courtiers had moved back to having game night in an abandoned part of Valdemar’s dungeon. Not that they cared what Nadia thought but they rather not have the interruptions. Certain people also couldn’t yet walk into the parlor without having flashbacks to a certain naked man. A house rule that clothes had to stay on had been easily added after that. Tonight they had picked a simple drinking game, Never Have I Ever. The reactions to the draw had been mixed but at the very least some blackmail material might come out of it.

                “I demand to go first!” Vulgora shouted picking up the wine with a bit too much force causing it to spill, “Never have I ever lose a fight!” They looked around the table almost missing Vlastomil taking a sip of wine. Pointing and laughing they started with yet another war story which everyone ignored.

                “Never have I ever fantasied about someone in this room,” Valerius said swirling his wine resisting the urge to taking a sip out of habit. Vlastomil took another drink making everyone at the table a bit uncomfortable. Valdemar also took a sip sending a pointed look at Valerius causing him to cringe and risk moving his chair closer to Vulgora to add distanced.

                Valdemar laughed lightly under their breath, “Never have I ever flirted with someone to improve my position.” Valerius narrowed his eyes and the jab and opted to just down what was in his wine glass and hold it out for the servant to fill it up again. Why Valdemar kept bring up his… arrangement with Lucio was anyone guess but he was frankly tired of it.

                Volta stopped stuffing the snacks in her mouth long enough to mutter out, “Oh my, well I have never kissed someone.” She focused back on the snacks as everyone else at the table took a drink. Unless the question was food related the procurator was very unlikely to get a drink in.

                Vlastomil, who the group has realized has no sense of embarrassment, cleared his throat as it circle completed, “Never have I ever slept with someone.” Valerius hadn’t even pulled the glass away from his mouth from his last drink when he just threw his head back and finished his second glass vowing he was going to quit coming to these. Vulgora proudly took a drink; Volta of course never looked up from the snack tray. What really shocked the table, minus the food driven girl, was the fact Valdemar just sat there unnaturally still not taking a drink. Valerius certainly wasn’t going to say anything, Vlastomil and Vulgora looked at each other before deciding they probably didn’t want to ask either.

                Vulgora did decide to see how far they could push this trend until no one drank which meant gunning for Valerius. “Never have I ever had a threesome.” His eyes looked over at Valerius who seemed completely unfazed.

                “Such a shame, you don’t know what you’re missing,” Valerius said taking another long drink before thinking for his turn, “Never have I spied on someone in this room.” He gave a casual glace to Vulgora having caught one of their people trying to infiltrate his staff multiple times. The pointy teethed courtier silently took a drink glaring back. Vlastomil took his drink and surprising Volta reached up and took a drink before going back to the almost empty snack tray.

                Valdemar was the only one not giving a cautious look Volta’s was, he just tilted his head to the side before speaking, “Never have I ever woke up somewhere I don’t remember.” Vulgora took a swig followed by Vlastomil. They had really expected more than that.

                Volta had gone to chewing on the tray after the snacks ran out complaining about needing more food. She sighed, “Never have I eaten so much I got sick.” No one took a drink but Valerius did wave over the servant that was there to help keep the wine filled and asked he bring more of whatever was available in the kitchen before the procurator decided to start eating them.

                Vlastomil perked up a bit with curiosity, “Never have I eaten someone, in the literal or the romantic way.” Vulgora seemed to be trying to chase down a thought before setting his glass on the table without taking a drink. Valerius and Volta both drank for different reasons; though this did confirm that Volta had ate a person at some point so hopefully they came back with more snacks soon. Valdemar also took a drink causing everyone to look at him which he seemed to be completely oblivious too.

                Vulgora couldn’t contain themselves demanding, “Which one are you drinking to!” The quaestor just grinned shaking his finger back and forth making a tsk noise. They weren’t going to answer that, seeing the look of concern was much to fun for them to spoil. The uncomfortable silence was only broken by Volta’s happy squeals as the servant returned with another tray of food.


	4. Clue

                “You expect us to do what?” Valerius held the broken shards of his wine glass in his hand, quite literally. Why would they be insisting on dressing up for a board game? Apparently Volta had mentioned it and Vlastomil and Valdemar had jumped on board. At least Vulgora should be on his side stopping this madness.

                “Fine! But I get to be the Colonel!” Vulgora shouted marching off to presumably get their military garb. Everyone else busied themselves with picking characters Valerius sat in a chair picking glass out of his hand. At least Nadia was out of town so they didn’t have to be back in the dungeon.

                Flexing his hand to make sure all of the glass had been taken out Valerius resigned himself to his fate. He looked up to join the conversation to see the Queastor far too close for comfort. Even under the mask he could see the sickening grin on his face, “Dear Consul, I’m afraid you were distracted so we picked your character for you. You better get changed Miss Scarlett.”

                A damn escort and he knew very well that Valdemar had something to do with that selection. He flipped through the guest wardrobe, if he was going to be stuck doing this he was at least going to make sure he looked good. The memory of twister night and Valdemar admiring his rear came back and he tensed, glad he hadn’t procured another wine glass yet. “No I am not going to let that quack of a doctor get to me.”

                “That’s good; I’d really be a shame if you bailed on us. Besides I might need your help zipping this up,” Vlastomil said from the other side of the clothing rack, the Mrs. Peacock for this game. He walked around the rack holding a bright blue dress on a far too slender frame. The fact this didn’t disturb Valerius anymore was in itself disturbing. After zipping up the Praetor he pulled down a white feather boa, tacky as hell but it was in character and would at least cover the thing he tried to pass off as a neck.

                Turning back he finally found something suitable for himself, a high collared deep red number in a lovely shade of wine red. The lack of sleeves was unfortunate but he should be able to find some tall gloves around here and he at least has worn his black shoes today so they didn’t clash. Redoing his braid into a loser more effeminate style he walked back into the parlor.

                “About time, leave it to Valerius to take forever getting dressed,” Vulgora complained sitting at the table in a pale yellow military uniform with all of his own medals attached. Vlastomil sat beside him twirling the end of the boa and chatting with Valdemar who had only changed his shirt to a dark purple that clashed horribly with his skin tone, he must be Professor Plum. Volta, Mrs. White, was in her own chair snacking in a full length maid outfit no doubt borrowed from the servants. Speaking of, one of them had been as kind as to provide a new glass and fresh bottle where he had left the shards of the previous glass. Competent people do still exist.

                Pouring a glass and sitting at the table he grabbed the dice, “Of course unlike some people I care about my appearance. Now I do believe I always go first.” Wither the jab was made in character or as Valerius himself was anyone’s guess. He rolled and moved just short of the door to the lounge.

                A few rounds later and Vulgora was pointing his sword at the ever calm Queastor for suggesting Colonel Mustard had committed the murder while Vlastomil pressed further into his chair trying to stay out of the swords path. Volta took another bite of her pastry before showing a card to Valdemar and starting her turn. According to Valerius’ sheet Plum was the culprit, not surprising, but he didn’t have the weapon or locale figured out. He focused on the sheet until his turn started then rolled before hearing, “Where did that worm freak go?”

                Everyone excluding Valdemar looked around seeing no trace of the bright blue clad Procter. “Probably just off checking on whatever that creature is he put in the stable earlier,” Valerius said moving into the ballroom, “I suspect it might be Mustard with the rope in the ballroom.”

                Vulgora screeched at being accused again causing Valerius to smirk into his wine glass. He had Colonel Mustard’s card in his own hand but their reactions were much too over the top to pass up. Vulgora shoved the ballroom card in his face still shouting about him being wrong and that they were innocent. After a few more minutes of shouting and accidently showing the ballroom card to the entire table, Vulgora finally sat down to start their turn. They entered the kitchen, reminding Volta she needed more food, and just huffed. “No point in doing anything else until the bottomless pit and worm guy get back.”

                Another half bottle of wine, actual time measurements having been long since given up on, and Volta had made it back and halfway through her human height pile of food. She paused from eating to take a breath, “Should someone check on Vlast? He’s been gone such a long time.” She looked around nervously before going back to devouring her food. Vulgora and Valerius looked at each other trying to will the other one to get up first. Eventually Valerius stood up, sometimes being the responsible one of the group sucked.

                He turned to talk to the servant in the room only to notice her missing too. He downs the last of his wine before walking out of the parlor, “Incompetent staff, also as useless as Volta. Leaving guest unattended, if one of…” He trailed off after rounding the corner to see the servant girl that had been taking care of them huddled in an alcove of the hall shivering in fear. Combined with the missing Vlastomil he sighed, “If you’re going to work here you will have to get used to worms.”

                “I may not know much Consul, but I know that was not a worm,” The girl said softly whipping her head back and forth like whatever it was might just reappear from the granite surrounding her. Ok maybe there was something else going on here. He told her to go get the guards to which she originally just stared at him. After asking if she rather be sitting alone in a hallway she bolted off, well at least there was some sense there.

                Walking a bit further down the hall a muffled voice sounded from the library, the one room he couldn’t get into. After severely contemplating just walking out of the palace and heading back to his winery he decided to have the guards find the keys and open the door. While trying to make their way through the excessive amount of locks the rest of the courtiers had joined him out of curiosity or for Volta not wanting to be left alone. When the door opened all you could hear was a very high pitched scream coming from Valerius as he shielded his eyes, just when he thought Vlastomil couldn’t faze him anymore.

                Hanging upside down from the railing of the second floor was the proctor, tied up bondage style with the boa turned into a makeshift gag. Valdemar pulled out the envelope containing the answer for the clue game, “Well I figured this might make it more interesting but it seems my guess of Plum in the library with a rope was incorrect. Such a shame, though the actual answer would have been even more fun.”

                Vlastomil eyes widened in horror as he struggled against the ropes, while everyone else just looked over at Valdemar with their own horror. Vulgora was the first to speak, “How? You were sitting by us the whole time!”

                Valdemar shrugged, “It was fairly easy, and there was even an abundance of rope already in here for some reason.” He sent a look toward Valerius who was shockingly innocent on this front, Lucio come near a library? Their grin widened, “Honestly I don’t know how you all were so oblivious.” As he talked the shadows around him started to contort while the air filled with some unknown static. As if on cue everybody just turns and leaves the room leaving just Valdemar and the still hanging Vlastomil. Valdemar frowned, “Well I guess the game is over… Would you like to know what the correct weapon was?”

                Valdemar pulled out a scalpel and walked toward the stairs, Vlastomil struggled even more against the rope succeeding only in leaving places of rope burn. The Queastor teased at cutting the rope a couple of times and sending the other tumbling to the floor below before stopping to think, “Oh I have an even better idea!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Vlastomil survive? Find out on the next episode of Palace Game Night


	5. 5 Second Rule

                “It’s called five second rule, you read the card and you have five seconds to name three things in that category. There should be no stripping,” Valerius cut his eyes over to Vlastomil, then to Valdemar “or sharp objects required.” The fact he even had to say that was frightening but these game nights tended to get more than a little out of hand. Valdemar just held his hands up in mock surrender while Vlastomil and the others nodded their heads.

                Valerius shuffled the cards handing a small timer to Vlastomil figuring he wouldn’t eat or break it. “Time starts as soon as you finish reading the card, then it is your turn. After five seconds it automatically goes to the next person. First one to know three things gets the point, no repeats allowed. No Volta, allowances will not be made if you have food in your mouth.” Valerius waited till Volta finished shoveling her current handful of food into her mouth before starting, “Name three breeds of dog.”

                Vlastomil flipped the timer and Valerius rubbed his temples, “Borzoi, Wolfhound…” He paused then heard the call for time. Well it would be interesting to see who got this one.

                Vulgora went next punching his palm while trying to think, “Boxers… uh, Labs….” Time was called causing them to slam their fist down on the table, “THAT’S NOT LONG ENOUGH.”

                “Golden Retriever, Husky and Papillion,” Valdemar answered calmly. Valerius handed the card to him not wanting to know why the crazed doctor knew about dog breeds. He motioned for Vulgora to take the next card from the deck.

                “Three types of weapons! Bow, Sword, Gauntlets, Mace, Halberd…” Vulgora continued on for a while. Valerius and Volta took the time to enough their respective vices before Valdemar silenced the Warmonger with a look.

                “I do believe it’s my turn,” They drew a card, “Name Three types of horses. This might be challenging. Arabian…” The doctor trailed off and just relaxed in his seat when time was called.

                Volta perked up, “Oh what are those cute little horses called… Ponies! What was the other one Shetlands? Oh dear that’s only 2…” She deflated some when time was called.

                “Draft, Thoroughbred and the one with the fur on their feet… Clydesdales!” Vlastomil nearly bounced out of his seat calling the last one right before time.

                Volta shoved another pastry in her mouth before reaching for her card, “Three kinds of soups. Oh dear I never bothered to learn their names, they are all so tasty. I think there was one made out of tomatoes; yes that one was very good…” Volta grew silent and started to drool. Vlastomil just flipped the timer over not interrupting her day dream.

                “Milestone, French onion… Why is so hard to think of these on a time limit! Worm soup?” Valerius cringed and Vulgora screamed that it didn’t count. After a brief bout of bickering the turn moved to Valerius.

                “Chowder, Broccoli and Cheese and Manchow, unlike some of us I actually pay attention to what I eat,” While his glare had settled on Volta the jab was directed at most the people at the table. He doubted any of them could plan a menu must less cook something without servants helping.

                Vlastomil picked up his card a made a weird face before reading it, “Three kinds of adult beverages. Wine of course, I really don’t know any others. I think there was something called Salty Bitters?” He just shrugged and waited out his time before flipping the timer.

                “Moonshine, Island Iced Tea and Scotch,” Valerius answered with no hesitation. Upon the shocked looks he grimaced, “Did you all really think I never tried anything but wine?”

                “To be fair I didn’t think you even knew what water was Consul.” Valdemar said, “It’s part of why I find you so incredibly fascinating.” Valerius moved a bit further back in his chair to add what distance he could between himself and Valdemar.

                “Anyway, now that we have the hang on the game I brought some more… interesting cards.” Valerius pulled out another deck and placed it on the table. He pulled the first card, “Name three reasons to have a drink. Why would you not have a drink? Um, dealing with coworkers for certain, taste…”

                Time called but Vulgora was too busy trying to pick a fight with Valerius due to the coworker comment to notice until Valdemar had already started, “Well humans seem to drink if they are celebrating, sad or simply because they like being inebriated.”

                Valerius handed over the card still ignoring Vulgora until they gave up and drew a card, “Name three things you don’t want in your bed.” He threw the card onto the table, “This game is stupid, why someone would have a list of those?”

                “Bodily fluids, insects, why you people even bother with beds and sleep is beyond me.” Valdemar said waving a hand.

                “Oh my, I really wouldn’t know anything else. Bugs are the absolute worse, always after my snacks.” Volta said fretting away until time was up.

                “Someone else, sand, birds,” Vlastomil said, “Birds are always barging in and trying to get to my wiggler. Evil creatures.”

                Valdemar drew the next card, “Name 3 places you’d like to go on a date.” Everyone at the table looked at each other before the card was thrown back. “Name three plays.” Valdemar waved his turn onto Volta opting to not even attempt.

                “The Red Velvet Cake War and Spaghetti Western are the only two I have seen,” Volta said quietly searching her plate for any remaining crumbs.

                “There are never any good plays about worms so I never go,” Vlastomil followed up, “and they said Wiggler wasn’t allowed!”

                “Hamlet, The Ferryman and Faust,” Valerius said before taking a long drink from his glass.

                “Can we get some more food?” Volta whined before drawing a card as half the table glared at her. “I’m just so hungry… Name three card games. Go Fish! Oh fish sounds delicious…”

                Vlastomil didn’t fare any better with a question, Valerius however, “Solitaire, FreeCell and Golf. Yes Vulgora it is a card game.” He glared down the hyper warmonger who was getting increasingly upset at Valerius’ growing lead who reluctantly shut up about not getting a chance.

                “I swear, these games keep getting more and more violent,” Vlastomil muttered letting out a shriek when Valdemar gave him a toothy grin. He leaned over the side of his chair trying to hide behind Valerius and failing. “Name three organs”

                Valdemar seems positively excited for this, Vlastomil doesn’t answer fearful the doctor across from him might show him whatever organ he says. Valerius starts off with, “Heart, lungs… brain!” He shouts out the last one just after time was called. He sulks back in his chair taking another drink of wine.

                “Liver, kidney and intestines,” Vulgora list off without difficulties. He puffs his chest out proudly looking over at Valerius who just reaches for the next card.

“Name three places you might find a stray hair, bath clothing and food,” Valerius flicked the card onto the pile in front of him, “That makes five, meaning I win.” A primal growl came from Vulgora as they grabbed the table and flipped it, sending it flying over Volta’s head. Valerius calming continues his glass of wine while Vlastomil takes the distraction as a chance to get far away from Valdemar. Volta ignores the flying table in favor of finding food now that they game was finally over while Valdemar questions about a second round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this one guys, sorry if it's not up to par.


End file.
